Let your Body do the talking
This is part of an article taken from our latest book, “Entitled to Respect. The book looks at giving helpful tips and advice to those who want to be more effective at communication and building satisfying, long term relationships at work and beyond……
This section of the article introduces the impact of our body language on others. Further parts of this article discuss further ways of developing
Impact, through our body language, with others.
The prisoner in the dock looked distinctly uncomfortable as the prosecuting lawyer slowly approached.
The trial for murder was grinding to a conclusion and this was the final interrogation.
In a slow deliberate voice the prosecuting lawyer looked deep and long into the prisoners face and said, “Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you did not commit this heinous murder?” and waited for his answer.
The prisoner in the dock took several seconds, averted his eyes and looked down. In a determined voice and shaking his head he replied, “No! I didn’t do it, you gotta believe me.”
Subsequently, a unanimous jury found the defendant guilty of first degree Murder. When some of the jurors were later asked why they were so sure of the defendant’s guilt they cited circumstantial evidence and several of them highlighted the moment when the defendant averted his eyes and looked down when the crucial question was asked.
This is a true story, reported a few years ago in the New York Times, The defendant appealed against the finding, won his appeal and was acquitted during a fresh trial.
The story illustrates amongst other things the powerful effect that our non verbal behaviour can have and the interpretations others make.
Body Language
Non verbal behaviour is frequently referred to as Body language
Just as in the murder trial story, when you communicate with other people, it’s not WHAT you say but the WAY you say it.” You communicate not only with words but with your emotions, feelings and intentions. These manifest themselves through your non verbal behaviour or body language.
Body language relates to such elements as, posture, distance/space, gestures, facial expressions, head movement and eye contact.
Non verbal aspects of speech include, volume, tone, pitch, voice quality,
speed of speaking, pausing, accent and emphasis.
Albert Mehrabian’s research provides the basis for the widely quoted and often much over-simplified statistic for the effectiveness of spoken communication. Mehrabian did not intend the statistic to be used or applied freely to all communications and meaning, but to communications of feelings and attitudes.
In this context he found
• 7% of meaning is in the words that are spoken.
• 38% of meaning is in the way that the words are said.
• 55% of meaning is in facial expression.
Invariably the real message, what we really mean, is not contained in the words but conveyed through our non-verbal behaviour. This is because our words say one thing and our body language another. If there is dilemma you chose, most times, to believe the non verbal behaviour.
Congruence
When there is a disparity between what you say and how you say it, people are more likely to be convinced by how you say it. When you are congruent your non verbal behaviour matches what you are saying. When someone says, “I love you” the words alone are not enough. Indeed there are times in our lives when this has been said and not believed at all! These non verbal behaviours act as the carriers of the truth.
In conversation we can be so focussed on what we are saying that we are oblivious to the many non verbal messages we are sending out. You may think you can disguise your attitude by consciously choosing or fixing your words but your body language betrays what is really going on. It is far more difficult to fix the unconscious messages conveyed by numerous bits of body language.
Sometimes it is obvious that there is a mismatch between your intentions and your behaviour. We know it and so do other people. Other times you can walk away from a conversation thinking you have achieved what you want only to find out later the other person has interpreted your message very differently.
Paying attention to, but not being obsessed by your body language can help you understand why you sometimes create this lack of congruence. You can find out how you’re being perceived in a number of ways.
You may be fortunate to have a friend, partner, or really trustworthy colleague who gives you honest and useful feedback in a way that makes it easy for you to accept and adjust. Or you may have been in situations where the feedback is given more crudely and with some degree of angst.
Or you can choose to become more aware of the effects of your body language by completing the following exercises in this chapter.
Our mind is like a parachute it works best when it is open. This also seems true of our body language. You can take the concept of “open” to your:
o Stance and posture
o Facial expression
o Hand gestures and movement
Adopting an earthed position
A very practical way of getting body and mind into an open posture is something we call, the earthed position. The impression the earthed position gives is one of strength and confidence. Not only is it an impression, in the earthed position, you will feel more resourceful, strong and adaptable.
To stand in an earthed position:
o plant both feet firmly on the ground
o relax in to your body
o open yourself up wide and let go of any tension in your body from your shoulders downwards
o open the palms of your hands
The earthed position can equally help you when you are seated:
o plant your feet firmly on the floor
o support your back with the back of the chair – you will notice sitting like this your back becomes straighter and your upper body more open and your head alert and more erect
o open the palms of your hands and rest your hands on your lap
Body and mind
The reason you feel this strength from within is because ‘body and mind’ are irrevocably linked to each other dovetailing as a part of the same system. What happens to one part of the system influences the other.
When you accept mind and body as one system you can use this understanding as at tool to change your thinking and your feelings. You can experience this by doing the following exercise
Changing the way…
I’d like you to think of a situation which would make you very angry.
For the purpose of the exercise, allow yourself angry thoughts about something or someone.
As you hold on to these feelings or thoughts imagine speaking to that person and adopt an “earthed” position:
o your face open and relaxed
o your chest and upper body wide and open
o keep any gestures relaxed and open
o keep the palms of your hands open
o speak in a slow measured way
o breath slowly and deeply
If you have managed to keep yourself ‘open’ as you were doing this exercise I imagine you have been unable to maintain any real level of anger?
You can’t do all of the above and maintain your anger because your mind says: “ to be congruent, when I’m angry my body shows a set of responses I’m now not showing – I cannot have angry thoughts and open body language – one or other has to change!”
This Body and Mind arrangement gives you an opportunity to change your mental state either by changing your thoughts or changing your body language. You can’t always choose the situations you find yourself in, but you can chose the way in which you want to behave.
Use this technique next time you’re facing a situation where you want to remain assertive and don’t have time to get your thoughts in order, e.g. as in the case of handling aggression.
On the Telephone
We have discussed how your Body language plays a significant part in your face to face interactions with others, but how much effect does it have when the other person cannot see you, as in a telephone conversation? We’ve all had the experience of speaking with someone on the phone for a number of years but may have never met them. You will have formed an image in your own mind of what they look like and what kind of person they are. When you eventually get to see them in the flesh – it can be a big surprise!
Anyone who has received Customer Care training and has been asked to smile on the telephone will tell you smiling makes a huge difference to how you are perceived.
Smiling causes the other elements of your voice to change. You can warm your hands in the after glow of a warm smile and what a difference it makes!
Although people cannot see your body language over the phone they do experience the effects of how you are standing, sitting or slouching; where you have your attention, whether you are being distracted by what is going on or whether you are focussed on them.
Your voice and all it’s variations obviously plays a significant part of the impression. The elements of body language associated with the voice are volume, tone, pitch, speed, clarity, pausing, accent, emphasis and the use of silence.
People often ask if changing “bits” of body language mean changing their personality. Changing body language does not change your personality, though in the grand scheme of things it will have positive effects on how you are perceived. That in turn will affect you’re sense of self. And in that way you may see yourself very differently.
